If someone is rich it doesn’t always mean they’re smart; especially politicians. So we got all giddy when info on Mitt Romney’s expenses was supposedly leaked by Anonymous. Reports painted Romney as Hugh Heffner-esque; the kind of man with whom we’d gladly snort blow off a stripper. Unfortunately, the whole thing was a hoax. Anonymous is more worried about some French T-shirt company stealing their logo. This is a damn shame, but for shits and giggles we put together highlights from the ‘leaked documents.’
$120,749.00 – Toupee Creators Unlimited & Spray-on Tan Services
This man spares no expense when it comes to staying crisp. Tan lines? You won’t find any on Mitt ‘MakeItRain’ Romney. And when it comes to hair he’s got 50 shades with a touch of grey. Hot damn!
$891, 064.00 – EWS Party
Where EWS stands for Eyes Wide Shut; like the Stanley Kubrick film. Mitt keeps it grown and sexy for all his constituents with luxurious fuck fests. This elitist aphrodisiac is ideal for rich creepers looking to kiss and not tell. Party expenses included ‘Venetian masks’ and ‘lubricant’ – Republican in the streets, freak in the sheets.
Priceless – ‘Live-In’ Contortionist
To keep the haters guessing, Mitt holds his own Cirque de Soleil whenever-the-fuck he wants. He has people living in his home who get paid to turn themselves into pretzels. This was part of a slew of expenses mentioned – like two professional dog walkers (as opposed to amateur walkers?) and a personal stylist.