I swear to god, I don’t have a Google Notification set up for “dicks” or anything, but it seems that people never get tired of reporting about dicks and what men do with them. Vice versa, people never get tired of reading about dicks either, so here’s the latest scoop in dick news.
The first piece of dick news involves the dick of a man named Gerard Streator, from Waukesha, Wisconsin (mugshot above.) Gerard is a man who lacks discerning taste when it comes to his dick, because he was caught fucking a couch on the side of the street. Police stated that he “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.” When they caught him, he managed to run away, and he was arrested the next day at his hotel job. We wonder, does this dude look at furniture porn? What material was the couch he stuck his dick in made of? Leather? Pleather? Canvas? These are burning questions that must be answered.
For the second report in dick news, we have a much less fortunate gentleman named Fei Lin from China’s Zhejiang providence. Fei Lin was just chillin’ in his bed, sleeping, when a bunch of men forcibly entered his house, cut off his dick, and just bounced.
That, right there, is the look on a man’s face after he gets his dick stolen. During the dick robbery, the intruders put a bag over his head so he couldn’t see what was happening. According to Lin, the whole thing happened so quickly and he was so scared and shocked that he couldn’t feel his dick being cut off AT ALL. After they left, he simply looked down and saw HE HAD NO DICK. Unfortunately, after an exhaustive search by police and emergency workers, his dick was nowhere to be found. Mr. Lin, on behalf of men everywhere, we are deeply sorry for your dick loss.
That’s all for today’s dick news. I would’ve ended this with an appropriate dick joke, but unfortunately none comes to mind. If you have one, write it in the comments.
(Number of times I used the word “dick” in this article: 19)Tweet