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…but now all that John Carpenter-y music makes me want to!

“A Glendale woman stabbed her boyfriend with a corkscrew during an argument in their home, authorities said yesterday.

“[The woman], 44, clashed for unknown reason with her boyfriend in their residence… at 11:40 p.m. on Oct. 31, sources said.

“[She] allegedly grabbed the corkscrew and plunged it into the man’s arm, then picked up a knife and stabbed him in the face.

“She was charged with assault and menacing, said a spokeswoman for Queens DA Richard Brown.”

Cops took a bite out of crime when they arrested a subway rider for chomping off part of a fellow straphanger’s finger in Jackson Heights.

[The chomper], 48, jumped the man aboard an F train nearing the Roosevelt Avenue station at 8:10 a.m. on Feb. 11, police said.

The man tried to fight off [the chomper], who bit off the top of the victim’s index finger, cops said.

[The chomper] was soon in handcuffs, said a spokeswoman for DA Richard Brown.

Surgeons reattached the victim’s digit.

When the only facial expression in your repertoire unanimously gives people the impression that you’re chewing on thousands of pieces of broken glass, you absolutely 100% need to be killed. No two ways about, this guy needed to go.

But Jesus, for the love of god, GET THIS MAN SOME BACON BEFORE HE GOES!!!!

David’ last meal:

4 BLT’s, a bag of potato chips and an ice tea.

mmmmmm…DELICIOUS

A FUGGIN BAG OF JOLLY RANCHERS??????

THAT’S REALLY THE BEST YOU COULD COME UP WITH FOR YOUR LAST MEAL? COMEEEE ONNNNNN GERALD.

I’m disgusted right now.

So somehow we now have access to the files of over 300 Death Row inmates. We have their rap sheets, pictures of their victims, their dirty underwear, their souls, WE HAVE FUCKING EVERYTHING.

BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY, we know what they ordered for their last meal before they were fried HARD on the electric chair.

AND THE BEST PART? WE’RE GOING TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!!!!

FIND OUT WHAT STANLEY ATE AFTER THE JUMP

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A New Jersey man strangled his gay lover with a rope in the victim’s Alphabet City apartment, police sources said yesterday.

[The man] allegedly wrapped the rope around the neck and wrist of [the victim], 39, in [the victim's] apartment… at 4 a.m. Friday.

Authorities found [the victim's] body face up on the floor of his bedroom. [The other man] had fled, police said, but was arrested the next day on murder charges.

Seaside vacationers in New Zealand are swimming in fear because of a bully dolphin.

A bad-boy bottlenose has been treating beachgoers like nautical nerds, overturning kayaks and tipping over skiers.

“He’s doing what we all do as teenagers,” a dolphin-behavior expert said. “He’s testing his boundaries, but he’s testing them on humans.”

It was funny money, cops said, but no one was laughing. A man was arrested after he allegedly passed some counterfeit bills at a TriBeCa hot spot.

[A man], 31, ordered a drink in the club at Varick and Spring streets at about 3:30 a.m. Jan. 8.

He passed a phony $100 bill to a worker to pay for the drink, cops said.

But the bill was of such poor quality that the worker was immediately suspicious and called police, sources said.

Cops said they recovered 10 more bogus Benjamins from [the man], who was charged with possession of a forged instrument.

A 63-year-old husband from Sweden was cleared of slaying his wife after cops said they discovered the perpetrator was likely a moose.

[The man] spent 10 days in jail, but after cops found moose hair and saliva at the scene, the “antler fit” and they had to acquit.

Talk about a fashion victim. A catfight between two women in St. Albans turned bloody when one assaulted the other with her stiletto heel, cops said.

[The assailant], 18, was arguing with an acquaintance at Guy Brewer Boulevard and 108th Avenue at 7 a.m. on Dec. 5, cops said.

[The assailant] allegedly pounded the woman with her fists and then began hitting her in the head with her high heel.

The victim needed seven surgical staples to close her gashes.

[The assailant] was charged with assault and harassment, said a spokesman for DA Richard Brown.

Guys, if you suddenly feel emasculated, this might be why.

The grandson of an African witch doctor says he has put a curse on whoever stole a flowerpot containing his grandmother’s ashes — and it will cause the thief to spontaneously switch genders.

He made the stern warning in a letter printed in the local newspaper in his hometown in New Zealand.

Speaking of poultry, this is one fowl fetish.

A deranged man in England was accused of being a chicken licker.

[The man], 30, was charged with criminal damage after supermarket surveillance video caught him licking raw chickens and putting them back on the rack.

He also smashed eggs and slashed customers’ garments.

A shoplifting drunk found a new way to conceal evidence — he drank it, police said.

[The drunk], 24, walked into the ShopRite supermarket on Richmond Avenue near Forest Avenue at 8 p.m. Tuesday, allegedly took a six-pack of Heineken off a shelf, hid it beneath his sweatshirt and walked into a restroom.

He consumed the beers and left the empty cans behind, sources said.

A store employee who had spotted him concealing the booze stopped him exiting the restroom and found the empty cans, sources said.

[The drunk] later admitted he drank the beers, according to court papers. He was charged with possession of stolen property and petit larceny, said a spokesman for DA Daniel Donovan.