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ALSO, DO YA REMEMBER TREEMAN?

THEY FIXED HIM! (KINDA)

They dont call it the amazing race for nothing.

they call it that because they get people to agree to beef themselves in the face.

whatta-melon!

This is security footage from a hotel’s restaurant and backroom that we found online.

shit! this ghost is pissed.

SO THAT’S WHY IT’S TOTALLY INSENSITIVE TO PUT A MOSQUE AT GROUND-ZERO. IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW!

PS If you’ve lived in NY at any point, you’ve been affected.
PPS You think they got their 40 virgins?

{Editor’s note: ummm, who in the hell still lives in Manhattan and gives a shit about any of this? nah nah nah hold up, keep giving a shit. 4 comments is GREAT.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKgHal-Csqo&NR=1&feature=fvwp (embed disabled by request go fuck yourself)

For those of you who don’t care, I’m taking a comedy writing course. This is hard because I’m not funny, and there are rules involved. All the skits you see (in comedy of all types) follow a “game” theory, where there’s a main premise and then it gets bigger and bigger. You have to expand this one concept to make it funnier, and use “beats” to punctuate it. I just wrote my first one ever called “ASSEMBLY LINE BIKINI WAX”. Are you thinking about my pubic hair? That was the goal, to get you to think about my pussy. I want my teacher to think about my pussy, so he doesn’t realize I’m talentless. He won’t be listening to what I have to say when I’m forced to participate, because his mind will have drifted from the thought of my pussy, to the pussies of other women he can also never fuck. Above are the sketches I watched all morning for inspiration. I used to want to marry Larry David, but now I want to marry Dave Cross. That being said, they are very, very good. I will never be that good. Blackout! (you’re supposed to close things with the word “blackout”! Word, Con Ed/ Indiana JONES.)

No lie, I’ve seen all this Justin Bieber fever shit happening, but I haven’t understood what the hell made him so famous. I woke up this morning with Paula Abdul “Straight Up” stuck in my head. When 80s synth is dance party in your frontal lobes at hungover 10 am, the best thing to do is get up. If you wait it out, it’ll only get worse. Eat some tainted eggs, hope for the best and than sojourn to youtube on your own time. Watch Paula. Think about the backup dancer’s hat… and that coat. Anyway, the powers of the internet led me to the Biebs vid. Biebs sounds like Babs.

America has created a persona that is the opposite of Osama Bin Laden. He’s like everything we’re not afraid of in the form of an effeminate teenage boy, which shows how afraid we are. At least in my time, there were the Backstreet Boys or whatever. There were 5 of them, so there was potential for a gang-bang. Also, they had strict personality traits, including the Italian one who had threatening facial hair.

Alas, since the world is going to end in 2 years and everyone in Venezuela will be murdered, unknown authorities are offsetting the national sentiment with Justin Bieber. His most popular “song” or whatever is this one with Ludacris, which fucks me up because it’s like watching Luda on Shinning Time Station. Over 300 million people have seen the thing, which is basically the national population including Iraq. The best part of Bieber is that he looks exactly like a lesbian. I couldn’t even hate him, it was like Hillary Swank via Park Slope was crooning to me. I would let her suck the clit. So would 300 million other people. It’s also funny that he’s such a dyke (pardon my French) because young girls are attracted to other girls, or guys who look like girls, before they start recognizing masculinity as sexy.  It’s like a government media genius, children’s sexual psychologist came in and fucking designed Justin Bieber. And now my 9 year old won’t stop masturbating.

HAPPY BDAY BILL!!

I don’t buy it.

You see that chick up there? Her name is Bobbi Eden. She’s a pornstar from the Netherlands. Nice, right? Right.

Well, it gets better. She’s recently promised to give each and every one of her followers on Twitter a blowjob if the Netherlands wins the world cup. After this announcement, the number of people following her jumped from 4,000 to 66,331, and wait…one second, let me just…yeahhhh, make that 66,332.

#1 marketing scheme ever? We think so.

WHY WON’T AMERICANS TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY?!

The 4th of July, a really spectacular holiday if you think about it. Our country is in the dumps, there’s oil in the water, everyone’s turning into a fucking scientologist, and yet people all across America will still spend this Sunday eating red meat and drinking Budweiser with their friends and family. Without fail. Say what you want, Europe, we still invented the motherfuckin’ BARBEQUE. Chew on that you pussyfoots.

NOW GET OUT THERE AND BLOW SOME SHIT UP FOR YOUR COUNTRY!

oh you fatsos.

FUCK THE OCEAN.

THANKS BP!

“Welcome To Earf.”

“look Xenu, i’ve been praying to you for like a decade and for the last time, i’m sorry about being so cocky about killing the shit out of you in I-D4, BUT c’mon god… its called ACTING.”

i have pretty much nothing to say about this woman, she might still be on television, she might not. I’m not surprised that she’s deep with these cultists, but for the record, her hair looks pretty great here. (kinda makes me wish that she was Beck’s Mom, who uses the power of Scientology to stay young and vibrant, and thats why she’d on the list, but its just that chick from dharma and greg. bummer.)

oh beck.

i remember this chick being hot in J.A.G. (a courtroom drama set on a battleship if i remember correctly.)

Aw dude, who fucked this guy’s life up? He was pretty great in this…

(remember him on Boy Meets World? of course you do.)

Oh Right, ou buddy Earl fucked him up. And i dont care, i still really like this guy.

Even MORE gullible celebrities that either whole-heatedly believe in Xenu and Volcano Ghosts or that signed up for a religion just for the blazin connects in “the biz”…

AFTER THE JUMP! (including, unfortunately, an old friend from Arrested Development.)

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Thats what the waves are looking like these days… fugging unbelievable.

We finally did it! We broke the ocean.

Wanna know a good way to fix it?

In Soviet Union, Waves Surf YOU.
(i think this quicksilver thing is bullshit, but they sure did slap their name on it!)

til then, we’ve got this going on all over the florida beaches: